Consciousness obscured by deep layers of red, of the doubt in my head, in the space once filled with joy. I can’t help it, the outlines of the vigour I embraced, so close to me, profusely bleeding, jagged edges, obscure boundaries where wounds are not healing, no parting from pain, so eternally saturated, and shut down satisfaction, of all three kinds, of frustrations, my expression fixed on anything out there, and easy to gather, the soul immersed with tear, in to the soft cushions, hoping nobody will hear.

visions of dreams are diminishing, slithering away, from my satisfaction, growing fragile by the moment, by the tick of the clock on the wall in a room not recognizable to me, at least not now, not any longer, not like this.

Hopes and desire, deteriorating quickly now… no more time…

I don’t know when, but it will be quite a while for sure.

It was nice knowing you, or, perchance it was all a big cluster of failed behaviour, exhausted experimentation of my days, months, and years.. dominated by bullshit and empty promises of things I long for… in a realm so very far from me.. on such a saturated altitude I can hardly grasp it, barely contain it, and sure as hell not explain it.

But what’s one to do, in this pretty pretty world YEAH!

I wish I was more than I am right now, at this very moment in my life. I am not content with myself. I am not who I always wanted to be. I am not who I dreamt of becoming when I was a child. I had so much potential in me. So much liveliness, aspiration.. glimmer.. used to fill up my…no, surround my adequate (pleasantly monotonous) daily go bouts .. it all faded somehow, like a dying star in the middle of an exceedingly sinister and dejected cosmos. Where did it all vanish ? What happened? How come I am not an artist? A musician perhaps… or a photographer, a painter, a writer, a lover, a peacemaker, a problem solver, a leader, always on the lookout for adventure. Continuously exploring and researching the dull ambient backdrop they so accurately refer to as ‘society’.. or so to speak. Where did my optimistic attitude go? My firm belief in realism, of indisputable customs and routines. ..and in the fact that everything will, in fact, turn out ok with time. Where did the optimism go? The hopes, the dreams and the desire to do things that are fruitful. Things that build up contentment in my life.. What have I become? I look at myself in the mirror and I do not recognize the person looking back at me. I do not feel like that dude, man. Who I am within differs from who I am have become on the outside. Is it all fake? A facade, a cloak I put on to conceal myself… To blend in with the multitude of outrageously dim-witted people in this world. To become nameless… unspecified and random.. I wonder if this is me. What I see. It can’t be! I am Jon Mikhael Ravneng. I am the guy who constantly struggled to remain happy in every situation. The guy who gave minuscule heartening comments to his peers each day, just so they could, perhaps, have a slightly better day, minute, only hour… just a fraction of an idea of hope used to be enough to keep me going. Not hard drugs, fast-food, and spending money. What have I become? Who I longed to become when I was child in rising? I do not believe so. Can I alter this obscure voyage to null and void? In the name of high school football, I sure as hell hope so! Because I don’t really feel like sticking around this forsaken branch of the totality of my existence for much longer. There was a time when I had a solid confidence in the definitive outcome of all things. I used to have faith in myself. I once trusted that I was up for anything life had to chuck at me or cram down my throat. I didn’t anticipate such a carefully poised collaboration of spiritual and idyllic happenings that have come to entirely dominate my continued struggle through life. I do not possess adequate aptitude to sustain the sheer bliss and harmony life has to offer. It came as a surprise to me… afraid to take another step, but steps need to be taken. terrified of where I am standing, scared of where I am going, hate where I have been. Where do I go, and how the hell do I get there? Do I even want to? Why wouldn’t I want to? perhaps I should just head in the direction Mr. Smith down the road is heading. He has a nice 89 mercedes and a striking, nifty looking garden gnome outside his big fancy american residence… circumspectly positioned right at the edge of his flawless, symmetrical, and dreadfully tedious-looking lawn. He *has* to be on the right route through life. Right? Maybe I should pay him a sociable, neighbourly visit. Go down there and ask him for a few decent pointers. He might have some extraordinarily important information… at least if my sole purpose in life is to have a nauseatingly happy looking garden-gnome on my immaculately natty lawn. Wait… do I want that? I should yearn for a life. Packed to the rim with dull conversations about the current weather conditions and my stock portfolio. That’s what they tell me I should care about. It’s all about the fashion blingbling and chillin’ with da homies, yo. A thoroughbred, slickly trimmed social network… a cluster of undistinguishable peers, all pursuing some brutally warped mental picture. Like a horde of rabid swine, they’re all hunting an assortment of idiotic replicas of a fad someone, sometime, somewhere considered to be a first-class idea. Spinning in circles, man. That’s the road to bliss! It ought to be; countless individuals are doing it! Going more or less in loops, thinking and doing the same things over and over. Completely and utterly determined to waste time. Hell bent on seeing what is going on down by their feet… as they keep roaming the same place again and again… not appreciating the fact that there is, in fact, a straight and narrow passageway ahead, that will lead to much superior things. How can these animals keep shoving their faces with the same bologna every single day without coming up with as much as a single thought about how this might end up… about the future.. the possibilities in front.. Am I the only one concerned about the potential outcome of my current situation, the fruits of my life? Should I perhaps not be concerned so much? Try to take it easy, man? Just chill and relax for a sec. Yeah, maybe. Maybe I get hot and bothered over absolutely nothing. I would indubitably do better off not second-guessing myself and my conscious, day by day selections and conducts. Afterthought is a treacherously slippery slope. Philosophy is but perilous and thinking simply unsafe. And eating makes you fat. Just so you know. I thought I’d share. You’re welcome. I trust you benefited from my needlessly dreary, ongoing nitpicking of the pulp of my continuation. I definitely gained valuable insight. Not to mention I freed a hefty portion of some pretty volatile gunk that had built up inside of myself after years and years of non-stop abuse and neglect. Thanks, Internet. I love you.