I went to Ikea today, with my ex-wife. I did something stupid last night. I had a moment where i threw a tantrum and a hissyfit and at the time decided i wanted to get rid of everything ‘pretty’ in my house. So I went around and found all the little cutsey thingies that my wife had put all over in order to make a ‘home’ out of what was just a house. I smashed, broke, ripped, cut and stepped on most of it, then stuffed it into a black plastic bag and left it outside. Curtains with hearts… post cards with puppies and kitties… all of my framed photos… pretty blankets and our precious calender… It all pissed me off at the time, and it all HAD to go…. Then came the very sobering aftermath…. I regretted it all so much i didn’t want to be alive. I wanted to run and run and run… far far away, not to face the sadness in my wife’s eyes… I knew i had hurt her. I felt it was all just ‘’stuff”, but i also was very aware of how much it all meant to her. I shouldn’t have done it, and I have no excuse. It was selfish in a way, i was thinking of me and _my_ feelings towards _our_ things. I felt like destroying something pretty…. I felt like getting rid of things that somehow ”connected” us. Things we bought together or things i bought for her. Well, reality smacked me in the face and i spiraled into a very bad depression that i desperately wanted to get out of…. My wife was crying in the hallway and I was crying in the bed, wishing I could take it all back…. I didn’t know what to do and I had nowhere to go. I had broken the little i had left between us and I knew I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. It was too late, nothing to do, and I wanted to run run run…. I didn’t want to die, i just wished i had never been born…. 9 bottles of vodka and many tears later i started to feel better. I laid down in the freezing rain for a good 2 hours just closing my eyes and letting the blissful warmth of the alcohol cover me from the inside out. I went inside, apologized to my ex-wife, again, letting her know how sorry i am and that i want to work on things… to be friends, take steps in the right direction…. Fell asleep…. had many many many many horrible nightmares about my ex-wife, some future girlfriend, and my son….. woke up very depressed….. my ex-wife came and laid down by me and i hugged her…. i apologized again, and we had a nice talk… she’s been very nice to me all day and we’re really good friends again this evening…. Anyway, so since this happened, I took her to Ikea to buy new things that i broke… On the bus I saw a harsh, hard looking man. I noticed him because of his rugged appearance, his half-way unbuttoned shirt, greasy hair, beard, and mustache… He had managed to get a seat in the bus that was jam packed with people. Then he saw a wasp on the floor. He bent down, let it climb up in his hand, left his seat (somebody else took it), walked out of the bus while observing the little creature in his palm. He let it go outside, then returned and found another seat. This made me really notice him and as I sat there on the way back to downtown Oslo, I became more and more interested in his character. He seemed very gentle, not hard like I thought at first. He had a gentle spirit, kind eyes, and i could read on his lips that he was an American. I don’t know what he was doing on the Ikea bus, but I am very glad I got to meet him…. even though he never got to meet me! These are the things that make my days pretty and my life worth living. If only to observe….I had my Canon 7D with me so i coped a steal of his face as he was sitting there… life experience shining brightly in his eyes….
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No need to change a thing, but change it all I must, a dance on the edge of insanity, the border between good and evil lies tucked away in my head.
Trapped within the point of origin, synchronizing with disaster, we are an outcome of the situation, the result of the choices made by others.
We weren’t destined to be, a surreal reality, because you chose yourself not to see, you never ended up with me, it was your choice to pass me on, you chose not to settle down,
…and now i am gone.
Like a lone raindrop melting and morphing, before it collides with a puddle, becoming one with the rest, no longer a on its own, but rather a piece of something that functions, something beautiful with a purpose, something with a solution to the problems karma has to offer, I’m thanking no to her gentle solace, heading deep down underneath, below what has now become, distant memories of a future, very far from where I was…
You took my hand, I took your hand, together we headed for the promised land,
You picked me up from the dust I was in, you made me into the person I am today.
You created me so I could create you, together we became a singularity, a functional being capable of achieving the wildest of dreams.
Together we were headed, with one goal alone, to be with eachother for as long as the stars are shining brightly.
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The constant flow of trickle, the gentle breeze that blows, ever so lightly through my hair, and a twinkle, a suggestion, it surely knows..
A casual Saturday morning,
You probably would not believe,
the miracle of tomorrow is here yet once again.
She was softly caressing my face with her gentle whispers of truth,
For the truth has to be told now, the waiting caves in,
Sliding away, from hope and desire, there is nothing we can do, to prevent it from happening, to hinder it once more, the unspoken truth.
But it was not always so! It was not at all like this! No no no, the silent weeping that is heard every night, clenching and clutching the dear hearts of those who forgot!
The screams of desire, the fear will now surround, the truth and the compensation of my rapture, the drip drop trickling I can hear inside my mind.
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Finding a way through the mist.
The continuous beating of my corroded mind…
Beating in time. only fragments and pieces of dreams of my distant morning memory…
I am standing here without you, on the sidewalk of life.
Worry not, for The Child of Seven will be coming, in the moments that pass us by,
Like the flash from a bolt of lightning, entering our existence from behind,
Sneaking up on me like ever before,
entering the mind from behind,
then closing the big steel-door.
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No more rolling around in the filth, no no no,
There will be no more rolling in the filth, spewing gum on the walls in rage and frustration!
For we have our style, yes we have our ways, like a proportional disaster, we always do what we want.
There will be no more rolling around in the filth, this time they will not win,
The distant memories of slavery I have grown so fond of, I have grown so aware of, reverberating off my cage door, the lock and the…
Far away cry of the people of my time, modest measures, hours, only days, only years,
This time it’s different, for in my way, the sand that blows, across the healing wasteland, separating me from what I want
I’m on the wings of this afternoon, somewhere between 3 and 5 I believe,
I’m riding the day like a pony, all the way to the summit.
I brought my hiking shoes and my bag of pride; I never go flying without it,
I brought the queen of spades in my pocket and a feather in my hat for luck,
And boy I think I will need it, when the winds of regret start blowing south again.
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I went to Ikea today, with my ex-wife. I did something stupid last night. I had a moment where i threw a tantrum and a hissyfit and at the time decided i wanted to get rid of everything ‘pretty’ in my house. So I went around and found all the little cutsey thingies that my wife had put all over in order to make a ‘home’ out of what was just a house. I smashed, broke, ripped, cut and stepped on most of it, then stuffed it into a black plastic bag and left it outside. Curtains with hearts… post cards with puppies and kitties… all of my framed photos… pretty blankets and our precious calender… It all pissed me off at the time, and it all HAD to go…. Then came the very sobering aftermath…. I regretted it all so much i didn’t want to be alive. I wanted to run and run and run… far far away, not to face the sadness in my wife’s eyes… I knew i had hurt her. I felt it was all just ‘’stuff”, but i also was very aware of how much it all meant to her. I shouldn’t have done it, and I have no excuse. It was selfish in a way, i was thinking of me and _my_ feelings towards _our_ things. I felt like destroying something pretty…. I felt like getting rid of things that somehow ”connected” us. Things we bought together or things i bought for her. Well, reality smacked me in the face and i spiraled into a very bad depression that i desperately wanted to get out of…. My wife was crying in the hallway and I was crying in the bed, wishing I could take it all back…. I didn’t know what to do and I had nowhere to go. I had broken the little i had left between us and I knew I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. It was too late, nothing to do, and I wanted to run run run…. I didn’t want to die, i just wished i had never been born…. 9 bottles of vodka and many tears later i started to feel better. I laid down in the freezing rain for a good 2 hours just closing my eyes and letting the blissful warmth of the alcohol cover me from the inside out. I went inside, apologized to my ex-wife, again, letting her know how sorry i am and that i want to work on things… to be friends, take steps in the right direction…. Fell asleep…. had many many many many horrible nightmares about my ex-wife, some future girlfriend, and my son….. woke up very depressed….. my ex-wife came and laid down by me and i hugged her…. i apologized again, and we had a nice talk… she’s been very nice to me all day and we’re really good friends again this evening…. Anyway, so since this happened, I took her to Ikea to buy new things that i broke… On the bus I saw a harsh, hard looking man. I noticed him because of his rugged appearance, his half-way unbuttoned shirt, greasy hair, beard, and mustache… He had managed to get a seat in the bus that was jam packed with people. Then he saw a wasp on the floor. He bent down, let it climb up in his hand, left his seat (somebody else took it), walked out of the bus while observing the little creature in his palm. He let it go outside, then returned and found another seat. This made me really notice him and as I sat there on the way back to downtown Oslo, I became more and more interested in his character. He seemed very gentle, not hard like I thought at first. He had a gentle spirit, kind eyes, and i could read on his lips that he was an American. I don’t know what he was doing on the Ikea bus, but I am very glad I got to meet him…. even though he never got to meet me! These are the things that make my days pretty and my life worth living. If only to observe….I had my Canon 7D with me so i coped a steal of his face as he was sitting there… life experience shining brightly in his eyes….
