Ultrablog

I went to Ikea today, with my ex-wife. I did something stupid last night. I had a moment where i threw a tantrum and a hissyfit and at the time decided i wanted to get rid of everything ‘pretty’ in my house. So I went around and found all the little cutsey thingies that my wife had put all over in order to make a ‘home’ out of what was just a house. I smashed, broke, ripped, cut and stepped on most of it, then stuffed it into a black plastic bag and left it outside. Curtains with hearts… post cards with puppies and kitties… all of my framed photos… pretty blankets and our precious calender… It all pissed me off at the time, and it all HAD to go…. Then came the very sobering aftermath…. I regretted it all so much i didn’t want to be alive. I wanted to run and run and run… far far away, not to face the sadness in my wife’s eyes… I knew i had hurt her. I felt it was all just ‘’stuff”, but i also was very aware of how much it all meant to her. I shouldn’t have done it, and I have no excuse. It was selfish in a way, i was thinking of me and _my_ feelings towards _our_ things. I felt like destroying something pretty…. I felt like getting rid of things that somehow ”connected” us. Things we bought together or things i bought for her. Well, reality smacked me in the face and i spiraled into a very bad depression that i desperately wanted to get out of…. My wife was crying in the hallway and I was crying in the bed, wishing I could take it all back…. I didn’t know what to do and I had nowhere to go. I had broken the little i had left between us and I knew I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. It was too late, nothing to do, and I wanted to run run run…. I didn’t want to die, i just wished i had never been born…. 9 bottles of vodka and many tears later i started to feel better. I laid down in the freezing rain for a good 2 hours just closing my eyes and letting the blissful warmth of the alcohol cover me from the inside out. I went inside, apologized to my ex-wife, again, letting her know how sorry i am and that i want to work on things… to be friends, take steps in the right direction…. Fell asleep…. had many many many many horrible nightmares about my ex-wife, some future girlfriend, and my son….. woke up very depressed….. my ex-wife came and laid down by me and i hugged her…. i apologized again, and we had a nice talk… she’s been very nice to me all day and we’re really good friends again this evening…. Anyway, so since this happened, I took her to Ikea to buy new things that i broke… On the bus I saw a harsh, hard looking man. I noticed him because of his rugged appearance, his half-way unbuttoned shirt, greasy hair, beard, and mustache… He had managed to get a seat in the bus that was jam packed with people. Then he saw a wasp on the floor. He bent down, let it climb up in his hand, left his seat (somebody else took it), walked out of the bus while observing the little creature in his palm. He let it go outside, then returned and found another seat. This made me really notice him and as I sat there on the way back to downtown Oslo, I became more and more interested in his character. He seemed very gentle, not hard like I thought at first. He had a gentle spirit, kind eyes, and i could read on his lips that he was an American. I don’t know what he was doing on the Ikea bus, but I am very glad I got to meet him…. even though he never got to meet me! These are the things that make my days pretty and my life worth living. If only to observe….I had my Canon 7D with me so i coped a steal of his face as he was sitting there… life experience shining brightly in his eyes….